Loony Bin / Blank Verse set, 6-4-08
Loony Bin / Blank Verse set, 6-4-08
(Thought this might make for an interesting peek behind the scenes… for standup routines, I tend to build a pretty strong foundation on paper—general direction is laid out, and most of the jokes are already there, but I try to keep it loose enough that delivery can change, and bits can be added or subtracted depending on venue, audience, etc. The following is the “spine” of the routines I did earlier this month at the Loony Bin and Blank Verse open mics… enjoy.)
My name is James Gates, and I am a comedian… One of the exciting things about that—and by “exciting” I mean “bullshit”—one of the bullshit things about that is it’s one of the only occupations where you get asked on a regular basis for on-the-spot demonstration. Fucking anywhere, anytime… I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard: “So what do you do? Oh, you’re a comedian, huh? Say something funny…” FUCK YOU!! Do I get to clock in first, or am I supposed to be on call, is that the deal? I’m just supposed to be at Humor Threat Level Orange all fucking day, waiting for your ass? I mean, what other job gets that kind of shit? “What do you do? Oh, you’re a chef? Cook me dinner!”… “You’re a surgeon? Well, cut my shit open right now!” Even firemen get a little bit of warning, you know—a bell goes off, and it’s time to go to work. But these fuckers… “Say something funny”… I’ll say something funny: I was fucking your mom last night—did you know she’s dead? Oh, you had to think about it for a second!… you should call your mom more often, you dirty bitch… Was that funny? It was funny for me… motherfucker…
You know what I hate? Everything, but let’s stay focused… For this bit here, I hate big budget summer action movies, the kind where you can just see the moneylust oozing off of them… Like that Speed Racer movie that came out a couple of weeks ago… all bright colors and everything moving all at once—it’s like a Muppet puking or something. Then there’s this movie coming out next month, Hancock. It’s a big superhero movie starring Will Smith, and that’s not a bad start, but then you watch the preview and you can just see the producer’s mind clicking behind it… “You know, if Superman wasn’t Superman, he could be a BLACK GUY, and then we could get Will Smith! Then we can make Superman all lazy and fucked up and out of his mind… Now that’s money!” Well, leaving aside that’s half the plot of Superman 3, the first thing I’m wondering is, why’s the black Superman gotta be lazy? What the fuck is that? How’d they sneak that $100 million piece of racism onto the silver screen? What’s he eat—Mega-fried chicken? Super-collard greens? He got a Bat-Signal, or is it just a spotlight up in the clouds with a rim in it, you know, like a 22”, spinning, got a little blue light in the shit… Racist black Superman—there’s only one superpower I know for sure black people have, and that’s rhythm. I have yet to meet a black person that couldn’t find the beat… And all the white people in the crowd who think that’s racist, you’re just pissed ‘cause you ain’t got rhythm! With your wobbly ass, doing the Cabbage Patch to Madonna—the bitch is 80! She needs to sit down before she breaks something, and so do you!
So, my “special ladyfriend” is out of town this week, which means no sex, or as I like to call it, “‘Me Time’ with somebody else”. But it does mean I can talk about sex, and it won’t actually hurt my chances… See, if you’re already at zero sex, any multiple you put with that is still gonna be zero sex—that’s a math thing. And it’s not like I got a bunch to say; I’m not Dr. Drew or anything. But if I can impart one bit of wisdom to the fellas out there—guys, every time you have sex, act like it’s the last time you’re ever gonna have sex… ‘cause it probably is. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I never see that shit coming… even if the writing’s on the wall, my stupid ass is like “Oh, well I still got time to get a couple more in…” And then shit goes down, and I’m like “AAAAAHHHH!! Dammit! I would’ve put a hurtin’ on that girl! I would’ve broken something off in her!”… and that’s not a semen reference, it’s a penis reference! I would’ve used my penis on her until it broke! Then I don’t even have time to worry about feeling bad about it all, ‘cause I’ve got physical therapy to keep me busy…
One last thing… as a comedian, I spend a good deal of time thinking about the big questions, you know, the great mysteries of the world. For example, “Where do babies come from?”…the answer to that’s pretty easy—the Vaginal North; that is, north as you face the vagina. They migrate south for up to 80 years for the weather and the open range…
So, as I was pondering some of these big questions, I had a breakthrough. I realized exactly why it is throughout history, men have held this position of superiority over women. And it actually has to do with mathematics. Now, this goes WAY back, to pre-civilization days, before writing, before it even occurred to us to use tally marks to keep track of things. And back in those days, men had a natural advantage in mathematics. See, if a man gets naked, he can count to twenty-one—a woman gets naked, she has ten fingers, ten toes, and a story problem…
(Appropriate concluding “Wah-WAH!” sound, in your head…)
END
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